For Spouses
Whether it is disclosed or discovered, learning of a spouse’s pornography consumption and/or online sexual activity is devastating. Many spouses report that finding out about this kind of activity is just as painful, if not more so, than learning of a real-life affair. Subsequently, it is common for an intense range of emotions to follow the disclosure or discovery of online sexual activity. For example, many spouses feel rage, embarrassment, shame, sadness, isolation, loss, confusion, intense hurt, and betrayal. These feelings are normal reactions to very hurtful events that have violated the trust and exclusivity of the relationship, as well as damaged the martial bond on many levels. Unfortunately, many spouses believe there is no one they can turn to because of the sensitive nature of the problem and the possible negative consequences for the whole family, including children, if this is shared. As a result, isolation is a common symptom for even the most well-connected and social people. Connecting, however, with people one can trust, as well as seeking out informed resources (e.g., books, websites, clergy, therapists, support groups), is critical to breaking the cycle of secrecy and coping with this kind of relationship crisis. There are a growing number of trained professionals who deal specifically with this issue, as well as more and more books that can be a source of comfort and direction. The following points are designed to offer some guidance for those dealing with the aftermath of a spouse’s pornography consumption or online sexual activity:
Take exceptionally good care of yourself. Just as with other types of crises, this problem is emotionally, physically and spiritually draining.
Do your best to connect with someone you can trust and find a website or book that can offer specific insight into this problem. Many are listed in the resource section of this website.
Identify some immediate boundaries/limits around computer usage, intimacy, travel and/or additional disclosures in order to maintain your safety and give yourself some space wherein you may figure out what you need to do next.
Realize that pornography consumption is not your fault. Most people personalize the problem and inappropriately assign blame to themselves, neglecting to realize that most pornography problems started long before the relationship even started.
Try your best not to “porn police” your spouse. Although you need to know the extent of the problem and what you are dealing with, trying to control your spouse’s behavior only delays him or her having to take full responsibility for getting help and making different choices.